My friend Jess Branas is a dating coach who recently released her second book, Zero to Ninety, which focuses on the first ninety days of a dating relationship. Jess’s book outlines ways to stay authentic when embarking on a new relationship, something that I’m sure many of us didn’t think about when we were dating. She examines dating from a psychological perspective. If teenagers can do it, then does it really need to be thoroughly studied? Do we need books about this? Absolutely! I dated for 15 years (minus the years I was married the first time), and I’m certain that I wasn’t focusing on myself and what’s best for me the whole way through. Books like this help people cut through the trial and error by listening to an experienced dater share her secrets.
So I asked her the obvious question first: How did you become a “dating expert”? She jokingly answered that she dated a lot, but her expertise lies on a deeper level. As an adult, she has been more self-reflective when in relationships. She has examined psychology and human behavior, as well as confidence. The ideas she looked into spilled over into other relationships that she has, so she looked at them on a critical level, as well. “Every woman in your life— friends, family, etc.—helps form an idea for what you’re attracted to. The bonds are all important to examine because it brings the analysis full circle.”
Jess loved approaching dating from this perspective because it allowed her to look at how some people are good at one kind of relationship but then bad at another (like having solid friendships but not successfully dating). Her expertise led Jess first to coach others on dating, providing them with psychological analysis of what they were doing and counseling them on ways to improve their interactions.
Jess’s dating experiences over the years were typical, but they also allowed her the experience that led to analysis. She would pick someone to date who was wrong for her or have trouble building her confidence once a relationship ended. When in the relationship, she struggled to balance her family, friend, or business relationships or maintain the same level of self-care that she did when single. Over the years, she discovered that “you have to keep that balance to stay true to yourself. You have to know what you believe in and find people to fit into your world, rather than just fitting into theirs.”
One might assume that Jess focuses on helping women find success in dating because she is a woman, but she said it’s more than that. “Women have more insecurities than men, so I wanted to lift them up and show them that they have a choice of who to bring into or let go from their world.” A lot of women get stuck in situations because they don’t see any hope. They don’t think they can do better, or they don’t think that someone better for them is out there. Some women get stuck because they want a family. Jess encourages them to pinpoint their likes and dislikes, as well as how they allow others to treat them. Her coaching and her books guide women on a direct path so they won’t end up with a string of bad relationships.
A few years ago, after one of Jess’s long-term relationships ended, she was self-reflective. She wanted to learn how to boost her self-esteem, discover what was really important to her, and pinpoint what she valued, so she started keeping notebooks throughout her mental deep-dive. One night, she woke up thinking about all the stories she had heard from other women who were caught in the dating cycle. She knew she wasn’t alone. Could she help others build their confidence and show them how to find happiness within so they could be successful in the dating world?
When a friend encouraged her to write a book about her methods, she jumped on it. She wrote her first book, Seeking Her, Knowing You, because she didn’t want women to feel like they need to be with someone. She wanted to set up a clear path so they could find the person they want to be with.
Zero to Ninety examines the second part of the equation, the first ninety days of a relationship, and Jess wrote it when she actually began dating someone. (She did let the woman know that she was writing it as they were dating, of course!) Her two books were the first longer works that she did.
Jess said that she used to write a lot of poetry, song lyrics, and anything expressive, so she went through the same process with her first the book: looking within and honing in on the truth and what she wanted to express: every thought, vision, image. Sometimes it was hard to weave through all the thoughts and simplify, but she is typically organized, so she usually headed on the right path.
Most importantly, Jess knew the audience had to feel like she was speaking directly to them. She used a casual mood for her writing. No boundaries. She said that her experience as a teacher helped her find her voice for the book. Doing radio also made it easier.
With her first book, Jess worked closely with a friend who is an editor, sending her sections as she wrote. Sending the work back and forth and talking about how the writing came across made the process easier, and she felt like they “shared a brain” while they worked. Her comments helped Jess know if she was receptive to the writing. Because she knows Jess on a personal level, she also knew how she speaks and lectures and could judge if the writing was truly in her voice.
I had to laugh about Jess’s initial answer when I asked what her greatest challenge was in developing her first book: “Editing drove me nuts.” Yep. She said that both self-editing and the professional editing process were difficult but definitely worth it. Formatting was also tough, but her biggest obstacle with the first book was psychological: doubt and fear. She said she kept wondering if anyone would actually want to read it. She had to push herself and returned to what she learned in her research, “If anything else, I did this for me.” She knew she was bound to have critics, but she could still be proud of the work she did.
To get the word out about her book, she did a string of radio interviews. Her connections within the LGBTQ community helped, too, because she already knew a lot of people who host events like Pride festivals. Being a live radio host helped, too, of course, and she used social media in a big way. “I love to personally connect with my followers, so even on Twitter, I sent direct messages to people.” On Facebook, she instant messaged each person who follows her to let them know about her book.
Even with the new book, she tried to connect with each person. “Connecting is why I write. I love forming that connection.” Her “old-school business sense” helps her relate to clients, attendees at seminars, and other potential book buyers.
Right after her first book, Jess knew she wanted to write Zero to Ninety, but she was so busy that she couldn’t work on it immediately. “After the first book, which talked about when you’re single and getting ready to get out there, people would want to know the next step. I knew I had to write about the first 90 days of a relationship.” Her third book will be the following step in the process, but she hasn’t fleshed out the idea yet.
As can be expected, Jess felt that her writing had matured by the second book because of how she had grown as a person. With the confidence in her development and writing process, she was able to delve deeper into the psyche. She researched some of her theories this time—her first book was more self-reflective—and learned new information that she wouldn’t have considered before. To coach her clients, she had already started on some of this research. In the end, Jess read from 300 psychology and human behavior books to see if she agreed with the theories.
I was relieved to hear that she didn’t hate editing as much this time. Her biggest obstacle? Letting her mother read the book before it was printed. Because her book discussed personal relationships, she was nervous about what her mother would think, but she actually let her read it before it was printed and got a good reaction. The rest of the process—cover, formatting, etc.—was more efficient and a lot easier this time, as was marketing because she had already built her following.
I asked about Jess’s plan for her books when she first started writing, and she said she wanted to “just see what happens.” At a minimum, her clients might like to have Seeking Her, Knowing You as a sort of textbook as they worked together. With her second book, she intended to keep up the momentum from the first book and help even more people. “People from all over the world have called or messaged me at all hours of the day asking for advice. I can’t physically see or work with everyone, so I wanted Zero to Ninety to help those I couldn’t personally work with.”
Since the launch of her books, Jess has discovered a love for public speaking, and she’s starting to book up with events. She plans to continue writing and doing her podcast and wants to create a year’s worth of seminars based on the second book. Maybe TV is in her future, as well. “I just want women to understand their minds. We aren’t as complicated as we think.” Building her business and continuing her book series will do just that. As her followers have increased, she noted that “you get out of it what you put in.” How she connects with people has made a huge change in her following, which is augmented by her book releases.
Because her books are self-help, Jess includes exercises in the books, and she shows the exercises she as she tells her stories. They were so effective that she still does these exercises, which include positive thoughts, exercise, alone time, or communicating with friends. “Things change as you age, so you have to re-evaluate.” She also encourages her readers to re-evaluate how they are dating often to see if it still matches what they want. At the end of the book, Jess includes a checklist for the reader to see if they are staying on track. She wants them to make sure they are still saying “no” when they need to and make sure the people they date line up with their expectations and the reverse. “I want women to take responsibility and take charge of what they expect.” That could apply to both dating and writing a book.
Both of Jess’s books are available on Amazon.com.
So now, you’re probably wondering, “Wow! How can I write a book about my experiences or my expertise?” Something that long can be daunting, but don’t worry. I offer coaching options for you to select what is most aligned. Curious? Book a call to chat about it.